I have decided to reduce the Mirtazapine by only taking half of a 30 mg tablet. I started on the reduced dose last night and so far haven’t noticed any difference but it’s probably too early yet. I just can’t keep consuming vast quantities of anything remotely edible late at night an hour after taking the Mirtazapine. And the daytime grogginess has got to stop as I am sure that is what is making me feel so lethargic and “can’t be arsed”. There is no point in not being depressed thanks to medication if that same medication is causing the same symptoms of depression except for suicidal low mood. There just doesn’t seem to be much point in being less depressed but too sedated to do anything with my life.
I’m seeing my GP next week and will talk to him about the Mirtazapine but I think he will be ok about it as he trusts me to use my judgement. By next week I will be on the target dose of 150mg Venlafaxine which does seem to be doing more already than the Escitalopram did. I think it would be helpful to use the Mirtazapine occasionally for getting to sleep but once I am on a maintenance dose of Venlafaxine I shouldn’t need the Mirtazapine to boost the AD effects of the Venlafaxine.
I am having some strange quite vivid dreams at the moment and apparently that might be caused by Venlafaxine. When I woke this morning, I’d been having a vivid dream but I can’t remember it now, I just remember having had a vivid dream. That happens quite alot, and it seems to have co-incided with my meds being changed from Escitalopram to Venlafaxine.
I didn’t go out yesterday after all, I just couldn’t get myself going and spent the day at home, in pjs until mid afternoon when I threw on some clothes out of the dirty washing pile – leggings and old sweatshirt. I had planned to have a bath last night but I just couldn’t be bothered and I slept in my clothes last night and today I am truly stinky and in desperate need of a bath. I still need to do my recycling and need to drive down to the garage for cigarettes and I’m trying to decide whether I can get away with going as I am or whether I should have a bath first.
Yesterday I emailed an organisation which for the past 6 years I have been very involved with until last summer when I had a prolonged period of crisis – they are having an open day on Easter Saturday and had asked for volunteers to help out. I’ve emailed to say that I can help out on Sat afternoon. I know it will be good for me but I’m very anxious about it as I had arranged to have a “time out” period when I went into crisis last year and I haven’t really been in touch or done anything with the organisation since. The people involved in the organisation don’t know much about my mental health problems and to be honest, I’m not sure that the majority of them would really understand.
So I will have to put my mask on and pretend to be happy and confident and capable on Sat afternoon. Apart from feeling dishonest about doing that, it is actually extremely tiring. But I know that if I am ever going to pick up on the things which used to be so important to me, I have to make an effort. Otherwise, I will have nothing going on in my life and that in itself will be a significant depression risk. I’m also quite anxious about the fact that everyone will see how much weight I’ve put on since they last saw me. People keep telling me I look well but its because my face has filled out a little due to the weight gain.
I can’t think of anything else to write about now so I’ll do a bit of Tag Surfing and catch up on everyone else’s blogs – I know I should go and run a bath but I just can’t be bothered…