I haven’t blogged since Sunday morning and it is now Wednesday morning, because I did end up going to stay with my friend and her family after all. I got my arse well and truly kicked over the phone by my mate when I spoke to her to say that I just couldn’t get myself together on Sunday and I was showered, dressed and packed ready to go within about 2 hours of talking to her on the phone.
I got there just in time for an Easter Sunday Roast Lamb dinner, much appreciated, and I cleaned my plate. It was probably the first proper cooked meal I’d had for weeks and because I forgot to take the Mirtazapine that evening, and had a fully and satisfied stomach after the roast lamb, I didn’t eat anything else that evening.
On Easter Monday my friend and I went to Matalan to get me some new cheap clothes that I can fit into. I spent £28 on 3 new smock type long tops which hide my bulging tummy and wobbly backside. I also had a haircut by someone who comes to the house to do my mates’s hair and so the haircut and new clothes have given me a bit of a boost. I had originally planned to come home on Monday evening but my mate was doing another roast dinner on Monday night, roast beef this time, and so of course I ended up staying for that and then it kind of seemed natural to just stay for another night.
I went to Asda on the way home and bought another (!) new top (but it was reduced so it was only £7) and a pair of cheap Asda jeans (£4). The jeans are a size 12 and as Asda clothes always seem to be big for the size, I thought they would be ok. However, when I got home and tried them on, they were too tight and I was gutted. I could probably have done the zip up by lying on the floor and wriggling a bit but I didn’t bother trying. But instead of getting glum I have hung them up in my bedroom and they are going to be an incentive. It will probably be a couple of weeks before I am next at Asda and so by the time I next go to Asda, I intend to be able to fit into them. I refuse point blank to accept that I am a size 14 in jeans. I can accept a size 14 for tops because I like things to be loose fitting (the combination of meds and anxiety means that I have a real problem with excessive sweating) but a size 14 jeans is just too much to accept. So I am going to look at those jeans and keep telling myself that I will get into them sooner rather than later.
In fact, rather than hanging the jeans in the bedroom, I think I shall bring them down and hang them in the kitchen as a visual incentive when the Mirtazapine induced food cravings start. Last night I took the Mirtazapine (but only half a tablet = 15mg) for the first time in 2 days (I missed both night time doses whilst I was staying at my mates) and within an hour of taking it I was stuffing myself stupid even though at one point I honestly felt like I couldn’t actually fit anything more inside my stomach. So that has definitely sounded the death knell for the Mirtazapine. It has got to go. I am definitely going to get off it and as soon as possible.
I had a doctor’s appointment last night when I got home, and I spoke to my GP about the Mirtazapine. I didn’t tell him that I hadn’t taken it for 2 days but said that I have reduced the dose by half over the past week, and explained why – it is not just because of the food cravings and weight gain, but also because I am now convinced that the Mirtazpine is the cause of the past few months lethargy and the pervading sense of “I can’t be arsed”. I have felt more alive over the past couple of days when I haven’t taken the Mirtazapine and I honestly don’t think it is because of being with my mate, but am convinced that without the Mirtazapine I am not so lethargic and groggy the next day.
My GP was really understanding and now that, as of today, I have started on the maintenance dose of 150mg Venlafaxine, he agreed that I could try without the Mirtazapine and see how I get on. I have to stay on 15mg each night for another couple of weeks, and then take 15mg every other night for a few weeks and see what happens. I am due to see my GP again in 3 weeks to see how I am getting on. So I am quite happy with that although I am a little concerned that the sleep problems might come back without the Mirtazapine to knock me out at night time. The biggest problem with medication for mental illness is trying to find a balance where the meds are helping without contributing unacceptable side effects which then cause further problems, both physically and mentally.
And so now hopefully I will be more motivated and have more energy to do exercise which will help with the battle of the bulge.
I’ve got an appointment with my CPN this afternoon – she is coming to the house at 4pm to discuss whether or not she is going to continue as my CPN and Care Co-ordinator or whether I am going to change to someone else. Whilst I feel that I think the time has come where I need a change, and perhaps she does too, I’m wondering whether I should stay with her for the moment because of the ESA Appeal and Tribunal, as my current CPN came with me to the ESA medical assessment and a letter from her expressing concern about the deterioration as a result of the ESA process was included in my appeal as supporting evidence. My CPN has known me for 6 years and so she would be the best person to give further evidence at a Tribunal.
I still haven’t responded to the email from the CMHT manager yet. I’ve just blanked that out. I don’t want to meet him, I haven’t asked to meet him, and he has got the wrong end of the stick and has shown no understanding of my problems in spending 2 weeks trying to phone me to arrange for me to meet him when it was only a few weeks ago that my CPN had to get permission for me to have email contact with her due to my telephone problems. So I shall just tell my CPN today that so long as there is a copy of the Advance Directive which I wrote in my file and so long as anyone involved in my care reads it and acts accordingly, I don’t want anything else. I will however, be letting the Service User group know that service users are definitely not being involved in their own care plans and that instead of being encouraged and supported to write my own Advance Directive, I have experienced a lack of understanding and considerable anxiety and that as a result, my faith and trust in services has been affected. We are certainly still a long long way from Person Centred Services. The Service User group will feed back my issues to the Mental Health Trust.
So I think I am up to date now with the blog now. Time to start getting active and to burn off a few calories.
