I didn’t blog yesterday despite having quite alot to write about because I just couldn’t be bothered. That is strange as it is the first time in 2 months that has happened. I have missed the odd other day or two because I have had a busy day and have been too tired to blog in the evening, but never have I consciously thought, “can’t be arsed”. And for the first time, I’m blogging today more because I feel I should do, than because I actually want to. And I can’t think of a title for this post – usually the title comes to me before I even start writing – so I’m not sure where this post is going, or even if it will ever be published.
And so this has started off the usual automatic self-hating thoughts – I’m lazy and idle, and it’s my own fault I’ve put on so much weight because I’m greedy, have got no will power and am too lazy to do any exercise. Life seems so pointless when I spend day after day merely surviving and going through the routines which will help me remain socially accepted – having a clean (ish) and tidy (ish) house, wearing clean clothes, keeping myself clean, staying in touch with friends through Facebook, spending hours working on my financial spreadsheet so I know exactly how much money is in my bank account and which bills have been paid and which are still outstanding.
There’s quite a bit of stuff I can blog about today as I haven’t blogged since Thursday morning (and today is Saturday) and now I’m beginning to fret that I will forget about those things and just write a load of whinging drivel about how aimless and pointless I feel. So I feel the need to list, for clarity and to prompt me when my fingers start to run away on the keyboard and get ahead of my conscious thoughts.
So here’s my “Things to blog about” list :
- The change to the ESA Work Capability Assessment criteria which the government stealthily and sneakily introduced earlier this week
- The email I got from the manager of the CMHT at 8pm on Thursday evening
- The effects of the Mirtazapine reduction
- Today’s plan to help out at the Open Day of a local charitable organisation which I used to be very involved with (until last summer’s crisis meant that the meds I am now on have caused such side effects that I can no longer be relied upon, can’t get up in the morning, and am now too physically and mentally unfit that I can only help out on Open Days or shaking a collection bucket)
- Going to stay with friends overnight tomorrow – the prep and planning required
- Telephone call with my mother on Thursday afternoon
- Yesterday’s wardrobe cull
The above list feels somewhat daunting and I am aware that time is ticking away and I need to go and get dressed and ready to face the day (somehow trying to find a pair of trousers which I can still fit into and which don’t make it too obvious that I have gained 2 dress sizes since people last saw me). So I have decided to blog later and in the meantime I shall make a “Things to do today” list :
- Get washed and dressed and ready to go out by 12pm
- Eat something before I go out
- Write proper blog post about all the things on the “Things to blog about” list
- Make a “Things to do whilst I’m out list” – ie buy milk and anything else I need
- Start making a “Things to take for an overnight visit” list
Do you think I’m stressing about something? Me thinks my list making urges are very strong today. I’m trying to identify the reasons and I think it is mainly anticipated anxiety about having significant social contact over the next few days. So now that I have identified the reason (apparently that is the first and hardest step), what happens next? Having identified the reason am I now supposed to feel less anxious because I know what it is that is stressing me? How does that work then? Or perhaps I am ahead of the therapy and the answers will come in future therapy sessions. My fault for being too keen to do things to help myself, I suppose.
Runaway fingers again, responsible for that last paragraph. Naughty fingers. Mustn’t type negative things. Mustn’t question therapy. Must listen to rational side of brain which is telling me to stop right now and go and get dressed and ready to go out.
Bugger, bugger, bugger. I hate having a head like mine. Fucked up or what?
And suddenly the title of this post has just occured to me…
