I’ve got an appointment with my CPN this afternoon. At least, I am supposed to have one but she might have got the date wrong. I got an email from her last Friday saying that she had been expecting to see me that day. I knew that I wouldn’t have arranged an appointment for Friday as I had a service users meeting that day and I’ve found the appointment card she gave me and originally the appointment was for Friday but then it was crossed out and changed to today. So she has got it wrong and I have got the evidence to prove it. Phew.
I’m quite anxious about seeing her today as I haven’t seen her for about a month as I had wanted some time out so that I could think about whether or not I want her to continue as my Care Co-ordinator. I am more or less decided that I do want to change but I am nervous about telling her and am also nervous about who I would have instead as Care Co-ordinator.
Also the manager of the Community Mental Health Team has been trying to get in touch with me by phone last week. I had changed mobile network and unknown to me, the voicemail had been enabled on my mobile and so he had left a message (there were several calls to my landline and mobile from a private number and I never answer those unless I know who is calling – hence the communication problems with CMHT and CRT in the past). I did listen to the message and he had asked me to ring him back. I switched the voicemail off so that no more messages can be left and have ignored his message and will say that I didn’t listen to it. It made me really cross that despite the fact that my CPN is well aware of my problem with the telephone which is why we now have email communication which she had to get “permission” for from her manager, the manager only tried to contact me by phone, and not by email or letter. So that has made me feel that he has no understanding of my issues and has really affected the amount of trust I have in the service and in him.
No doubt my CPN will tell me today that the manager wants to talk to me. Apart from the telephone thing, I am very anxious about meeting with her manager anyway as the reason he was ringing me was to discuss the care plan advance statement that I had written which was the cause of the problems with my CPN in early February. I still really feel like I have been a naughty service user for writing my own care plan despite the fact that the guidance says I am perfectly entitled to do and should be encouraged and supported to do so.
So I am quite anxious and jittery today and really don’t want to see my CPN today.
I woke at a decent time this morning (about 9am) despite going to bed much later than usual last night, and so I feel a bit tired this morning as I haven’t slept as long as usual. I’ve got quite a few “Things To Do” whilst I’m out today and have also arranged to go and see some friends at teatime so I need to go out in about an hour or so and won’t get home till about 6 or 7pm this evening.
Why is it you are wanting a different CCO? Apologies if you have talked about this before, I will have read it but my brain is mush. I hope your CPN is expecting you today – did you email her back after the misunderstanding friday? x
Comment by Bippidee — 30/03/2010 @ 12:02 PM
6pm
Hi B
There’s several reasons for wanting to change CCO – I’ve had the same CPN for 6 years now and she has been my CCO, but I have always struggled with her as she is quite impassive and I don’t find her particularly encouraging or motivating. My appointments with her feel more like assessments than support. She is a nice person and I do like her but she is not a dynamic person and never challenges my negative thinking or irrational thinking. Also I feel she has let me down on several occasions, notably last summer when she authorised for the Crisis Team to send the police round as I wasn’t answering my phone. This was despite the fact that she knew I avoid the phone and she hadn’t tried to contact me by text or email instead. Until very recently, she has never really taken my phone problem seriously and it is only since I pointed out that if I had a physical disability which made using the phone difficult, they would communicate in other ways, but that because it is a mental disability, people do not take it seriously and the attitude seems to be (as the Crisis Team staff told me) that I should stop being silly and just get over it. Also to send round 2 male police officers to visit a depressed highly anxious woman living on her own, without my CPN or a member of the Crisis Team present, was hugely distressing and it took alot of effort on my part to “forgive” her for doing that.
Then more recently, having not been happy with my care plan which is usually written by her, and which gives the basic medical facts but not alot more, and which I am then supposed to sign to agree to it without having really had any discussion or input into it, I decided to write my own care plan as an “advance statement”. This went down like a ton of bricks (see my very first blog post and this blog post and this blog post) and I still feel like I have been a “naughty” service user for daring to try to take control of my own treatment. I’ve only seen her once since then and was very anxious and stressy and I just feel now that my lack of faith and trust in her continues to affect how I engage with her. My GP knows I have always struggled with her and has said that he thinks that CCOs should change after every 3 years or so for the benefit of both parties.
Today she didn’t turn up for our appointment. I had emailed her back after I got her email on Friday saying that I’d missed an appointment and have found the appointment card which has today’s date on it. She doesn’t work Mondays so she wouldn’t have got my email until this morning at the earliest. After waiting a few minutes today, I went back to my support group and one of the workers rang the CMHT to find out what was happening and apparently my CPN is on a course today. So it appears that she has completely muddled up with my appointment and probably hasn’t yet seen my reply to her email on Friday.
And now of course, there is no support for 2 weeks as everything is closed for Easter, and my CPN usually takes the school holidays off. So I just have to wait for her to contact me when she gets back to work after Easter.
I’m trying very hard to keep telling myself that she is only human and that everyone makes mistakes but it’s really difficult not to feel let down again, and it’s a bit scary knowing that there is no help available for the next 2 weeks. I don’t have much in my diary for next week so unless I make a real effort to go and visit some friends over Easter weekend, I’ve got 2 long empty weeks ahead of me.
Comment by mentalhealthserviceuser — 30/03/2010 @ 5:31 PM