I had a dentist appointment for this afternoon but I’ve bottled out and have phoned to cancel it, saying that I was ill. I feel bad about lying but I just couldn’t face it. It’s a 40 mile round trip and parking is always a nightmare, both in trying to find somewhere and then making sure I don’t overstay as the traffic wardens are shit hot. I was supposed to ring and cancel the appointment last week but kept putting it off and had reluctantly accepted that I would go, and thought about getting the bus instead to avoid the parking stress, but then I started stressing about not having change for the bus, and having to wait an extra hour (which would have been spent spending more money in town) for a bus home. If I’d got the bus, I would have had to leave home about 2pm and would have got home about 6.15pm, just for a 5 min check up.
Plus I’m out all day tomorrow at my support group and am then going to see some friends afterwards, and am planning to spend Wed afternoon at the service user group’s office, so I thought that 3 days out was too much. I know that is a really lame excuse seeing as how I’ve just had 2 days at home not really doing much.
I got most of the weekend’s To Do list done – I took the dog for a good walk yesterday afternoon which I enjoyed and I know he did. We were out for an hour at a brisk walk, with some hilly bits, so we must have walked about 3 – 4 miles. I am shocked at my lack of physical fitness – I haven’t been this unfit for years. It’s going to be hard to get back to the level of fitness I had a couple of years ago. But I really want to get out and do more proper walking rather than just doing a quick 20 mins “round the block” walk with the dog most days. I’m very lucky in that I don’t need to drive anywhere to go for a good walk – I have the hills on my doorstep and so can just pack a rucksack and go from home, so long as I can motivate myself sufficiently to do so.
The postman has just brought my Eye Massager so I’m going to try it out now…
Mmmmm, it’s lovely. I look like something out of Star Wars but who cares? I think this could be really good for when I have a headache. It vibrates and the foam pads massage around the eyes. It makes a bit of a buzzing noise which at first is a bit annoying but you do get used to the noise and it actually becomes quite therapeutic after a while, helping to block out other noises which are distractions when trying to relax. I need to allocate myself 10 mins twice a day just to sit quietly or lie down with it on.
So what to do today? I didn’t mop the kitchen floor or do my recycling yesterday so I should really do those. There are also a couple of other things I need to do today – order some coal by phone and post a birthday card to a friend. But then that’s it – nothing else urgent on my To Do list, other than to write another letter to DWP requesting that they backdate the increase in my ESA payments to December, when I became eligible, so that I then qualify for the cold weather payments in Jan and Feb, and so that the 13 week waiting period for Mortgage Interest Benefit starts in December rather than mid March. Hopefully that will mean both a considerable back payment, and that I will then qualify for Mortgage Interest Benefit immediately so I don’t need to pay my mortgage out of my dwindling redundancy payment any more.
But I’m not really in the mood for writing more letters to DWP today. I really need a bath as I haven’t had one since Thurs eve, so I think I shall go and have a bath now that the postman has been (with 10 mins eye massage), and then take the dog for a walk, posting the birthday card at the same time. Then when I get back from the walk, I will drive down to the recycling point unless it is raining bad. It’s been drizzling this morning although it is not raining at the moment, but I suspect it is only a matter of time before it starts raining again. To be honest, there is nothing to stop me doing the recycling in the rain. Hmmm, need to think about that.
When I have done all that, then I will mop the kitchen floor and I might even get the sewing machine out and do some sewing, odd jobs which have needed doing for ages (curtain lining, repairing clothes, hemming a top which I’ve cut the sleeves out of).
My mum has phoned this morning, not long after I’d got up, about 9am, but I didn’t answer. I don’t really see or speak to my mum much – alot of my emotional problems are due to a difficult childhood, and my mum has never really properly accepted my mental illness. She seems to think that by telling me that I need to stop moping and think about all the people in the world who are worse off than me, I should be able to shake off my depression and anxiety, and all the various other emotions which cause me problems. She is constantly critical, forever telling me what I should or shouldn’t do, and expecting me to agree with her (often harsh and critical) point of view about all sorts of things. Often I do agree verbally just to keep the peace, as my mum can’t seem to agree to disagree, and one of us always has to be “wrong” (and it is never her), but by giving in and agreeing with her, I feel bad inside, as if I am betraying my own principles and beliefs.
I have only seen her once since Christmas 09 which was a horrible, terrible experience for a number of reasons which I won’t go into now. But after that Christmas I decided that my family was doing me more harm than good, and that it was time for me to break the chains and to stop allow myself from being my mother’s punch bag. It is hard as there are times when I do just want my mum, but I have realised that my mum is not the person I want her to be and never will be and she will never be any different. I am convinced she has mental problems of her own but is in denial. She put up with years of emotional abuse from my father before finally leaving him but I don’t think she has ever really dealt properly with the emotional consequences of that abuse and instead has become fixed in a victim role, becoming more and more bitter and critical and negative. And her bitterness and negativity is very damaging to me.
Of her 3 children, I am the only one still in this country and mum was the youngest child and her brothers are now dead, and so she doesn’t really have any other family. She has never had a relationship with another man since she left my dad 14 years ago and I get the impression that she doesn’t really have many close friends either – a bit like me – her mental health problems have meant that forming relationships with others is difficult. So I feel guilty that I no longer have any real contact with her but I know that when I do, I find it difficult, frustrating and a “duty” rather than a pleasure. I really do wish things could be different. But my family is so dysfunctional and damaged by what my dad put us all through, that none of us are very good at coping with each other.
I’m not sure whether to phone my mum back again or not. I need to pysche myself up before I do. I am guessing that she is ringing to arrange to get together over Easter and before I speak to her I need to decide whether or not I want to meet up and whether I can cope with it at the moment. I have provisionally arranged to go to stay with a friend over Easter weekend, so I need to decide whether I am going to change my plans to see my mum instead or whether I am going to be firm and tell her I have already made plans.
I’ve just realised that I stink so I think it’s time for a bath. I’ll put off thinking about my mum and whether to phone her back till later.
3.15pm
I’m bored now. I’ve had a bath and got dressed. It’s raining now so that has given me an excuse not to do the recycling. I can post the birthday card tomorrow when I go to my support group. I feel a bit chilly, sitting around in a cold house with wet hair so I’m going to light the stove early. I can’t be bothered doing the kitchen floor, it would only get messy again later when I take the dog out. Bored, bored, bored. I could change my bedlinen and tidy my bedroom I suppose, but it feels like too much effort. I could quite easily go back to bed. In fact, I might just do that.
My mum has phoned again, whilst I was in the bath. I’m feeling a bit uneasy now wondering whether something is wrong. I should phone her back but not sure if I can handle it at the moment. Just making a phone call is such hard work. Which reminds me, I need to phone and order more coal. Ok, I’ll do that now, then it’s done, and then I might go back to bed for a couple of hours as that will save on coal by not lighting the stove till later. Just can’t be bothered with anything today.
I’ve just phoned and ordered some coal. I’m going to go back to bed now.
8pm
I went back to bed and slept for several hours and then just lay in bed with the TV on but not really watching until half an hour ago. I haven’t gone back to bed during the day for a long time. I used to do it alot, most days in fact. Mainly because, like today, I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know why I’ve felt so flat today. I wonder if it is anything to do with my mum’s phone calls.
One part of me is feeling really guilty about having lazed away the day – another day that the dog hasn’t had a walk – and one part of me is trying desperately to tell myself that it is ok to have a crap day and to be kind to myself and just accept that everyone has days like this.
I do feel really gloomy now. Rested but gloomy. Tonight I will be glad of the Mirtazapine as I wouldn’t get to sleep until the wee small hours without it, having slept through Countdown, Deal or no deal, Coach trip and Come Dine with me. I got out of bed because I wanted to watch the Chancellor’s debate on TV at 8pm, and the TV is on in the background but I can’t really focus on it and so have turned back to blogging just to give me something to do to pass the time.
I am pretty certain that I am going to vote LibDem and that has just been confirmed by Vince Cable’s stating that the LibDems would put more money into Mental Health as it is an area that has “long been neglected”. Hooray. God help us if a Tory government get in, I dread to think what they will do. They’ve already said that they will move all Incap Ben claimants onto ESA asap – it won’t affect me as I’m already on ESA, but ESA needs reform as it is already damaging for many vulnerable people and transferring more and more people onto it, without reform will simply create more and more problems for the most vulnerable people. Labour’s been keeping very quiet about exact timescales of doing this, but it will happen within the next couple of years.
But I’m not a single issue voter and I vote according to the “feel” I get from the personalities. And I just don’t like the attitudes of alot of Tories, who display that traditional white upper middle class male whose arrogance and self-confidence barely hides their determination to gain control, often of other people. And there are alot of Labour personalities which display similar qualities. It may be something as minor as the way they talk over someone else, or refuse adamantly to answer a question directly, giving a carefully pre-scripted answer which more often than not is an attack on another Party. Vince Cable seems to be much more of a people’s politician – he gives clear informative answers rather than dodging questions, he focuses on his policies rather than attacking those of others, and he just “feels” more honest and trustworthy. And flawed though my judgment may be, that is what I will base my vote on – which Party do I trust the most? And which Party has been most honest about what they will do, and not glazed over the bad stuff and embellished the good stuff. And which Party is the fairest.
I must be really really bored to be discussing politics on this blog.
Lol. Just laughing at the TV – the sound is not in sync with the picture, it’s several seconds adrift and Alistair Darling looked momentarily like a manic goldfish, his mouth moving desperately open and shut but nothing coming out. Lol. I’m laughing now at the description of Alistair Darling which I have just typed – not sure where that came from, I’d typed it before I realised. Being able to touch type fast, means that I can often type as fast as I am thinking and sometimes my fingers just run away from me.
Today’s post is turning into a monster post and I know I am wittering on but I just need to be doing something whilst sitting here trying to watch TV feeling inherently gloomy without any real cause, with my thoughts racing round and round in my head, bouncing from one subject to another. Maybe I should do some knitting instead.
11.45pm
I knew it. I’m not tired at all. I took my Mirtazapine at about 8pm but so far, no effect. Usually by this time I am either in bed or ready to go to bed. It’s because I slept earlier. I’m not too worried about it as I don’t have to be up early tomorrow but I would like to be up and ready to go to support group by about 10.30am which will mean getting up by 9am. So even though I don’t feel tired or sleepy I am going to go up to bed soon and read my book and I might just fall asleep.
