My headache came back during the service users meeting yesterday afternoon- we were discussing ESA and other benefit problems and I had quite alot to say on the subject and was quite tense and jittery, so I suspect it was anxiety related. The meeting was ok though although sadly there weren’t very many people there.
Afterwards I popped into the town hall to speak to the council tax benefit dept to let them know that my ESA payments had been increased. This means that my council tax benefit will decrease, so what they give with one hand, they take away with the other and I probably won’t be entitled to full council tax benefit now and will have to pay something each month.
Then after doing some shopping I came home and just sat around last night too tired and wound up to do anything much. I forgot to take my night time Mirtazapine at the usual time and it was only when I went to bed at 11.30, thinking that it was strange that I was still up at that time, that I remembered I hadn’t taken it. So I took it then and as a result I have slept in till 10 am this morning.
I feel tired and weary and although I haven’t got a headache, it kind of feels like a headache is lurking, threatening to set in again. I’m not sure why I am so tense at the moment, there isn’t anything in particular which is stressing me, although I have another service user meeting to go to on Friday so it could just be the fact that I’ve got 2 meetings this week. But at least it is another chance to wear my new cardigan and boots again 
I keep looking at my Outlook Tasks list but there isn’t much which needs doing urgently other than home insurance renewal which I must do today. But I’ll do it online and I can afford the deposit and monthly repayments so that’s not a big problem so long as I don’t forget to do it. There are several other things which I could do but are not urgent or important so no need to stress if I don’t feel like doing them today.
I’m not sure what I feel like doing today. I feel a bit aimless. The dog needs a decent walk today as he hasn’t had a walk for the past 2 days because I’ve been out and not got home till after 6pm both evenings and by the time I’d lit the stove and got the kitchen warm, it was dark and raining. I know it is just laziness on my part which doesn’t improve the way I feel about myself nor does it do anything to check the ever increasing weight gain. So rain or not, today I will get out with the dog. I am still intending to get the bus to the next village and walk back which will be a walk of about 5 or 6 miles but I don’t think I will do that today. I’d much rather do that on a nice dry and sunny day.
Tum te tum te tum, so what shall I do?
I’ll have another coffee and check my Outlook Task list again to make sure that I don’t need to make a “Things To Do Today” list.
Just so that I can look back to check, today I’m increasing the dose of Venlafaxine from 75mg to 112.5mg (1x 75 mg, 1 x 37.5 mg). I’m on this dose for 2 weeks and then due to increase again to 150mg. Hopefully then I can reduce the Mirtazapine from 30mg to 15mg, and use it more as a sleeping tablet which hopefully might mean that my “must eat something sweet and calorie-loaded NOW” cravings will reduce too.
The damage is already done though - I’ve gone from size 10 last summer with my clothes hanging off me, to size 14 now with my clothes either too tight or uncomfortable. However, reducing the Mirtazapine might help stop the weight increase from getting any worse. I feel like a chubby little roly poly at the moment and I positively hate the sight of my stomach and bum and thighs. Aaaggghhh. I want the old me back, the one who was slim and fit and energetic and positive and enthusiastic – not the middle aged boring negative podge that I am now.
